Finally Out

I have made some really horrible friendships in my life. I am not really sure if I did any more than the average person, but I definitely have made some huge mistakes with the people I chose to be around. High School was probably the worst of it all. For some reason I surrounded myself with many people who had so many self problems. People so insecure and unhealthy. I used to take it all out on myself. Saying that I was not good enough to have some real healthy friends. That whole perspective has changed significantly. I am so over my past life. The life I had before college. This last weekend, I went to Walla Walla University's graduation for my oldest cousin. I enjoyed myself immensely. Just being with my family and laughing our heads off as we always do. However, I did not prepare myself for the realities that hit me on that Sunday morning. I essentially came face to face with my old self. Being surrounded by many many people I used to have connections with, that I have since abandoned. I found myself in my least favorite position ever. I put on a mask. The most fake, unlike me mask that I only whip out for special occasions. This was one of them. I could have caused a scene with many of the people I ran into. Poured my heart out to them about all the worst things that hurt me about them. No. I did not want that anymore. There was a time when the wounds were still very fresh. My heart was bubbling with so much anger that it was hard to hold in. Not anymore. I had let it all go. I had forgiven and I had forgotten. I would not have made my feelings any different in these awkward situations on Sunday. Yes, I plastered the hugest, fakest smile across my face. Yes, I acted as if nothing had changed about myself or anyone else I encountered. However, I found myself rejoicing inside. A true, real smile was lying just underneath the surface. A smile not caused by the reunion between myself and past life friends, but a smile of relief. A smile that realized I was finally out. Finally out of the stupid bubble I worked so hard to get away from. The stupid bubble that inspired me to go to a whole new college where I knew no one. A stupid bubble that caused me to find a more genuine me. So, I have let it all go. It is all forgiven and forgotten. Mainly because I do not find the burnt friendships of my past self to be of much importance anymore. I will always be grateful for the lessons I learned and the growth I endured from them, but, I do not wish for closure quite like I did before. My heart is so far removed, it is difficult to remember why it was all important to me once upon a time in the first place. Today, I am just overjoyed, to be finally out.

Comments

  1. AnonymousAugust 31, 2017 at 2:09 AM

    Friend! I read somewhere, that beauty if time is it changes. Be happy, enjoy your life

    ReplyDelete

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