A Thousand Words

Sometimes I am not even sure if its outside or just in my head. Constantly worried about everything and everyone. Feel like everyone has a mask and refuse to show me the face beneath. Thousands of masks that swung swords at my face, leaves me in pieces. No trust. No faith. How to fix it all? Always watching my back. Question anything that shines. Close myself off. That makes it easier. Die inside. How can I survive? Drowning and do not want to tell anyone. Afraid to pull others under. Need a life saver, afraid to ask for one. Want to solve my own problems. Is it my head that is always the enemy? Convincing me that the shadows are following? Always something behind my back to watch, miss what is in front of me. Pushing everyone away without realizing, find out, freak out. Do not want to lose the people closest to me, but my mistakes haunt me. Can anyone look past my scars? So desperately want love, but afraid that if I get some, it won't be authentic. Feel so alone...feel like I am ...

More and more recently, I have been becoming vastly aware of my own opinions about the world. With this comes new stances I take on things that I am passionate about. One of those things is animals. I have always been so in love with animals. As a little girl, I was always way more of a stuffed animal kid than a doll one. I carried my stuffed animals around like my best friends, and gave them names and personalities. As I have grown, my love for animals has only increased along with me. I am always eager to learn everything I can about any kind of animal, and refuse to have an aversion to animal simply because other people do. My favorite kind of animal is a dog. Dogs are the most loving, sweet, and loyal animals that exist on this planet. They can be your very best friend, reduce your stress and anxiety, and bring you lots of laughs!  I have never been able to describe the feeling of having a dog plop down in your lap and just fall asleep. The love of a happy, cared for animal is ...

I lay awake, soft and calm, Upon a cloud of sheets and pillows. I look to the window, big and tall. The trees dance shadows across the dark, flirting with the street light. The wind of a fan, blowing across my face. Kissing my nose, twirling the chimes. A sound so calm and sweet. As if earth and house are molded to one. Light from three holes jump out from a jar. Causing a sweet aroma to fill the room. A friend lays across from me, quiet in slumber. Not speaking out loud, but connecting with me. Feel safe to know she is there. So rare to move and immediately fall in love. It is a place to breathe, a place to think. A place to laugh, a place to sleep. Love is here, awaiting my return. At the end of each day, I rejoice to be in my new home.

I have made some really horrible friendships in my life. I am not really sure if I did any more than the average person, but I definitely have made some huge mistakes with the people I chose to be around. High School was probably the worst of it all. For some reason I surrounded myself with many people who had so many self problems. People so insecure and unhealthy. I used to take it all out on myself. Saying that I was not good enough to have some real healthy friends. That whole perspective has changed significantly. I am so over my past life. The life I had before college. This last weekend, I went to Walla Walla University's graduation for my oldest cousin. I enjoyed myself immensely. Just being with my family and laughing our heads off as we always do. However, I did not prepare myself for the realities that hit me on that Sunday morning. I essentially came face to face with my old self. Being surrounded by many many people I used to have connections with, that I have since ab...

Lately I have been having to come to terms with a harsh reality: I am growing up. Not that this was ever a shock to me, but I am caught in this weird stage of searching to be independent but not grown enough yet to be. This stage honestly is even worse when you have the constant pressure from your parents. This past year I have had to realize something most people my age and up realize; parents drive you crazy. Not the kind of crazy that makes you sulk in you room for hours because you were not able to go out on a school night kind of crazy, no, the kind of crazy where you are not adult enough for them but not open and dependent enough upon them either and they get mad either way. No one sends better mixed signals than my parents. One day they are upset because I do not touch base with them often or tell them how I am doing. The next, they are furious that I am unable to support myself fully and just "grow up." I have always been a rather communicative person. I am a Commun...

Bullets be as bullets do. Shatter the wall, go right through. Blood spills over the ground. All so quiet, can't hear a sound. No tears to cry. Hate watching it die. Anger burns deep inside. Do not know how much longer I can hide. Hide in the shadows. Hide behind a face. Hide behind a veil, thin with lace. So many times, I let it be. Let the sword kill me. Lies, hate, misunderstood. I would change it, if I only could. Never easy to lose something lost. Especially at such a great cost. Standing my ground, being me, Has become important, can't you see? Never let myself shine before. Never let my heart soar. Escape from the pain, the abuse, Will not let you accuse, Accuse me of acts I would never take, The last thing I would ever be is fake. Hurt that you can't see beyond your nose. So splitting apart goes as it goes. No words said, That haven't been read. Love still lingers, warm and true Taken for granted, by you.

With the upcoming election, I feel it is only appropriate to address my own view on it all. You see, I am about to turn 20, and have not registered to vote. Not because I do not care, but because I do. I can honestly say I do not support either candidates that are running this year. I dislike them both a great deal and honestly cannot choose one above the other. This has brought on a lot of judgement. People saying, "Oh well you HAVE to vote because it is your right!", "People FOUGHT for your right to vote!", "It is your DUTY!". Honestly though, it is just as much a right for me not to vote. That is the thing about America, the power of choice. I am obtaining from the vote because I do not want to say that I supported either party, honestly. I feel like, if I am going to vote, some part of me should support them in some way or another. I cannot say this about either candidate this election. I really cannot. To all the people judging others for not voti...