A Thousand Words

Dear Me, I am sorry for all the nasty things I have said to you. I am sorry for never believing you were good enough. For never accepting who you came as. I am sorry for calling you stupid and naive. I am sorry for thinking all I am is my mental illnesses. I am sorry for not seeing your worth. I am sorry for being my own biggest bully. Body, I am sorry for hating you. I am sorry for not letting you sleep, not letting you eat, feeding you way too much, and not sleeping enough. I am sorry for looking at you shamefully. You are beautiful. Every inch. I am sorry for only seeing you as a number on a scale. Thank you for taking me places, keeping me alive, and letting me be joyful. I am sorry I do not give myself enough attention. I am sorry I put everything and everyone before myself. I want to stop the negativity in all ways. I want to love me like Jesus does. I want to see my worth and my awesomeness. It is time to change the story. Stay the way you are, you're beautiful. Love, Me

I have found the kind of guy the girl ends up with in all the films. The one who only cares about you. The guy who messes up but always fixes it in the perfect way. I found the kind of guy that boy bands try to show themselves. Desperate, madly, deeply in love with me. Would go through fire to make me happy. The kind of guy who takes care of me like a strong protector, But who also has a sensitive heart that will cry along with me. The kind of guy every girls pines after. The kind of girl we all think is reality. I used to think guys like him were a fairytale. The ideal man that no one could ever live up to. But he does. He is not perfect, but he is to me. He knows everything about me. I never am afraid to tell him every little thing going on in my head. When I feel horrible about myself, he reminds me of my inner and outer beauty. Most importantly, he loves me unconditionally. The fictitious ideal is real for me. I have truly found, and am in love with, that guy.

Ever have the strong feeling that something is wrong? A question mark pops up every time you think about it. You shake it off, because logically, you seem wrong. But something keeps nagging at you. Is it the anxiety? Is it the lack of trust? Use to always trust my gut. That's the advice they always give, right? However, my gut has seemed wrong more and more lately. Or is that even true? Used to believe the best in people, but the worst in them tore me down. No trust. No trust. What even is trust anymore? Always expecting to be hurt. Put walls up, But always tear them down. I fear I will lose everything if I trust my gut, or if I don't.